Deciding to serve a mission was extremely difficult for me. Never in my life did I have a desire to go, it was never something I wanted to do. When I went to school at BYU it was in the back of the mind, "Oh you could serve a mission if you'd like" but I didn't want to so I let the thought go.
About two years ago, I felt like I needed to go. I'd felt this before and ignored it. Why? Because I simply didn't want to go. I felt that a desire to go was important, especially because it isn't a commandment for women as it is men. A carefree month went by and I felt the nudge to go again. "No" I thought, "I don't want to go!" "Leave me alone!" and I pushed the thought away again.
After about six months of this, I went in to my Bishop of my singles ward at that time and I opened my papers. I filled them out a bit and realized again that I didn't want to go. I stopped. But the feeling to serve continued to bug me. I felt really guilty about not having a desire to go. Thoughts like "Why shouldn't I want to go? Missions are wonderful!" "I have a kind, outgoing personality, I could do a lot of good." "What, you don't want to help people?" swam around in my head.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO.
Why couldn't that be enough? Why wouldn't this whole thing leave me alone? I had never felt so frustrated! And still the thoughts and pressure kept on and I continued as hard as I could to ignore them.
I talked to my mom about this and she told me to pray about it but I even did that wrong on purpose. "Should I go or should I not go?" I'd ask, assuming that He was just going to tell me what to do. If He did, where would our agency be? That would have been Satan's plan. But for some reason, every part of me was screaming that I didn't want to go.
Two years after the initial impression, I'd had enough. I decided to stop being afraid and ask for real, so I fasted and prayed over General Conference weekend. Andddd, guess what my answer was? Nothing.
N O T H I N G.
Come on now. I did what I was supposed to do! kjdfsijoeuahoafo. I talked to my mom again (bless her heart, she is wonderful) and she said I needed to just do something. Close this chapter for good and not go, or start my papers. I decided to start my papers because I had tried over and over again not to go. This process was again, really frustrating. I felt like everything was going wrong with my papers, they were getting lost, they were in the wrong ward, taking a long time to fix small things, etc. AND, I still hadn't received an answer.
I questioned my feeling to go, a lot. I was really confused about what I needed to do. I thought "If I'm supposed to go on a mission, why is nothing working out?" "Am I wrong? Did I just make up those feelings (because I am really great and letting small things take over my brain) ?"
"JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
….I just want to do the right thing."
I felt helpless. I felt alone. Confused, frustrated, lost. One of the lowest moments of my life.
But, something made me continue with the process.
My papers were completed. Before submission, I had to figure out finances. My family is not the wealthiest family in the bunch, it's just a fact. Since I had never planned to serve a mission, I hadn't saved a ton and my family would only be able to contribute a little bit. (FYI; If you're deciding whether or not to serve, that should NOT be a reason you don't go, the church has ways to help out).
So, my home ward bishop told me to "be a missionary before you're a missionary" and ask my family and friends to contribute.
First I hate asking for money, it is the worst. Second, apart from my mom, sister and I, no one else in our family are LDS, immediate and extended, so I felt that explaining a mission to them might seem weird and they wouldn't understand. I was having multiple heart attacks when he suggested I do that.
The night before I contacted them all, I prayed. I prayed that I could have some kind of affirmation or reassurance or SOMETHING that this was the right thing because I was going to involve other people, and their money, in this decision. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for something, anything!
I started thinking about reasons I didn't want to go or what I was scared about (D&C 9:8 - But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.)
and a line from my Patriarchal Blessing popped into my head, one that had never stuck out to me before, and it just fit in with what I was talking with my Heavenly Father about and gave me peace in the decision to serve a mission. It was NOT a "HALLELUJAH YES YES YES GO ON A MISSION" shake my entire body answer. I felt that at this time it was the right thing and I felt comfortable with it. However it was very overwhelming because I had waited so long for an answer. I broke down.
Gross.
I am so not a crier. But when mission stuff came into my life, I felt like I cried at everything!
Since then, everything has fallen into place. I've gotten to have small missionary experiences with my family, I was given extra hours at my jobs, I found people to replace me at my work, I've had countless friends and family contribute to my mission fund. Shout out to everyone who helped, you have no idea the love I have and how grateful I am for you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I've continued to have experiences that make me excited to serve a mission. It may not have ever been in my plan, but I have really learned that the Lord knows what is best for us and His plan is perfect. I learned that I am never alone. Even though I'm going into this adventure kind of blindly because I don't really know how a mission works and talking about the gospel is one of the hardest things for me to do; I know that with the Lord's help, I can do it. Alma 26:12- "Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things."
My advice for those deciding whether or not to serve:
If you feel called to the work, heed the call. If you have a desire to serve and you've pondered and prayed about it and it feels right, go. If you don't have a desire or you've prayed and it doesn't feel right, don't go. It's okay. The Lord has other wonderful things in store for you.
I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the one true church on the earth today. I know through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we can repent, become clean and return to live with our Father in Heaven again. I know that Joseph Smith restored the Lord's gospel on this earth and we have a prophet, President Thomas S. Monson that receives direct revelation from the Lord and leads and guides us today. If I didn't KNOW these things, why would I leave my family, friends, and comfort to share this message for 18 months?
Oh, I'm serving in the Scotland/Ireland Mission and I leave October 22. Two countries, WHADDDDUP.
